The Comeback Girl

Miss Jane Pittman

Dearest Aunt Madeline,

I hate to have to break this news to you. And I can’t believe that you don’t see this coming, but Uncle Ron is about to have an affair. I can smell it.

As you know, I’m a chick’s chick from the craddle to the grave. I also subscribe to the belief that a woman doesn’t “make a man cheat”. But you are pushing the hel! out of my uncle, starting with your bra or lack thereof. I’m not kidding, Aunt Madeline, can you please tell me why a 58 year old woman isn’t wearing one at all.  As the Deputy Director of the Double “D” Department, I find it a little offensive that what appears to be triple “H’s” “M’s”aren’t harnessed in some type of supportive gear. Tank tops for us fuller bossomed women, no matter how baggy and ill fitting, need undergarments, especially when you leave your home. I felt a little mortified for you when your husband told you to put on some clothes.

There is no doubt that your home is IMPECCABLY clean. Interestingly enough though, you don’t seem to miss a nail appointment. Your hands are fabulously manicured so there is some sign you give a da!mn at least about your cuticles.

But when did you stop caring about your appearance? We all gain a little weight, he!l I’m still trying to get rid of all the love pounds I put on with “O”, but even as a chubbier version of myself I never once looked like Jane Pittman’s baby sister on the underground rail road. (please note that Cicely Tyson, who played Jane Pittman, is still a beautiful woman, now if they can make Cicely Tyson look like Jane Pittman then obviously you don’t have to look like you been running slaves with Harriett Tubman.

And then I look at Uncle Ron, the man is like out of a senior citizen’s GQ magazine. Goetee and shapeup is fresh to def. He’s on his little stationary bicycle EVERYDAY he says. And when he joked about him taking a vacation without you, while you looked on with a little saddness, I did ask him why? And I did it in my “you know you dead wrong Uncle Ron” voice.

But is he? Let me be the first, second and third to say, you are about to get Sanford, yes as in Mark the Governor.

Since 25 years separate us maybe I’m completely out of touch for writing this. But you’ve been married for 10 years and you don’t really look like yourself. Is that unreasonable? Maybe 50 pounds is too much love weight to gain, maybe not. But I know one thing. I’d start trying to get my old self back again. Start with a little lipstick. Some eyeliner. Some clothes that don’t make you look like Hattie McDaniels in ‘Gone With The Wind’. When his a!zz goes downstairs and gets on the bike. I’d find me something to do that got me active again. Get some bras definitely AND WEAR THEM! You’re still a very pretty woman. Find something that makes you feel beautiful and project it. Flirt with a barista at starbucks until you get your mojo back.

And then when Uncle Ron takes his little vacation to God knows where WITHOUT you, I’d be looking so tight and hot his old a!zz would break his neck to figure out what I was doing, where I was going, and why I’m never home much. He’d be in South America ringing my phone off the hook.

The man maybe overdue for his midlife crisis he’s in. But perhaps you need to start your own.

PS. Rent “The Mirror Has Two Faces”. And take lots of notes. Barbra Streisand should have won an oscar for that movie.

If you need more advice, you have my number.

Your niece,

The Comeback Girl