I was over at Hello Negro reading the post on “Are Black Women Doomed To Be Single?” I think my answer has always been, if that’s your (self prophetic) truth then yes. (more on that later)
If you factor in sheer numbers, sure there are more black single men to black single women. But the rest of the story is pure urban legend-and not only never accounts for black men (from the rest of the diaspora in this country including Caribbeans, Africans etc.) But also eliminates the REAL equation-which is proportionately smaller: the eligible, ready, “date-able” black men to eligible, ready, “date-able” black women. (everything attractive, “monied”, gainfully employed and single AIN’T eligible or even “date-able”).
Ultimately you attract who and what you are ready for.
This is where Comeback Girl will probably lose all her readers. But I apologize in advance. Wait hell no, I don’t apologize, in the famous words of my mama and somebody else I can’t remember right now: “To thy own self be true”. What makes this blog different has always been about chronicling my own “Come To Jesus”. And I got to keep it real not only to my favorite Comeback Boys and Girls, but also with myself. There are women (and men) out there looking for love-and haven’t done the work. If you keep meeting the same people and disgruntled about the pickings maybe its YOU. (please note as I point one finger to you three are squarely right back at me.)
I rarely get woo woospiritual on these posts but I think the urban myth ratio also begs the question: would you date yourself? I mean would you really? I think about this often and up until recently it would have to be a resounding no. Only now have I gotten to a maybe. Partially because everytime I’ve embarked on a relationship or even a steady dating situation, I’ve always lost myself, my passions, my personal space, even my body.
Additionally the law of attraction is a real law. If you don’t think any good men are out there: guess what? that experience shows up at every turn to support what you see. It’s the same with money, a career, your health and even a man.
21 Comments
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I almost got teary eyed when reading this becuase its just so true.
I will admit, I hadn’t focused as much on the “Would I date me” component, but I have tried to be honest about my own deficencies … but no one is perfect. But I have spent enough time talking about how many quality females I find in DC.
At times … it just seems all around bad …
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Thanks for the shout out…and yes, I would date myself. I do quite well. I will say that metphysics…quantum physics…the law of attraction…it all works and is beneficial. In the end…nothing is promised and the Universe knows what we really want better than we understand what we want.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Well I think thats where we agree to disagree. If law of attraction works and is beneficial then how can nothing be promised?
If nothing’s promised why even make the wish to be in a great committed relationship. leaving it all up to the “Universe” takes everybody off the hook and leaves all black women manless- since the title did suggest: “Are Black Women Doomed”…
I think more things are promised than not. And sometimes God does in the end save us from ourselves. But everyone is entitled to all the love they want and think they should have be it in a committed relationship, partnership, marriage- its is a personal choice.
I think the question is deeper than are black women doomed, but are we doing our part to nurture, build and sustain great relationships with men (and hell just for laughs and giggles how about with other black women. Some of us make crappy friends, why would we be even better girlfriends or wives?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007 at 5:03 pm
SBM
I disagree that its bad all around but I hear black men say that a good black woman is hard to find and black women are saying the same thing. So what is that saying?
Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 1:42 pm
There was a very important time in my life where I did the inner work required to love myself. After my past relationships came to an end, I did some more self exploration and was determined that the next relationship I entered would be better than the last. And they were! That does not mean they worked, lasted or were everything I ever wanted..but believe me..they ALL made me stronger. Now, I know clearly, what I want. I stay true to myself and my vision for what I want to experience in my next relationship. Life is about relationships, and the one thing that I looked for in my mate, Commitment, was the very thing that I couldn’t offer myself. Now that I have made a commitment to myself, I know the rest will follow…
Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Drean Life Now, I agree. I’d only add that its not just about being better for a man. What about the process of digging your hobbies or discovering new ones. As I re-read Sista’s comments I;m really taken aback how she itemizes that no self reflection is neccessary. Even putting aside a man, what about just for the lesson of plain old growth. Being a better person than you were yesterday, last year or ten years ago.
Friday, December 14, 2007 at 5:51 pm
I wouldn’t in my 20s. I jsut turned 31 on the 8th of December. Only now am I really coming into my own and I like who I’ve become.
Sunday, December 16, 2007 at 11:45 pm
[...] Hello Negro, Would You Date Yourself? « The Comeback Girl [...]
Monday, December 17, 2007 at 3:39 pm
would I date myself? Yes because in life you take chances, If someone didn’t take a chance on me I wouldn’t have half the things I have. Now with that someone who has faith in you is believing in the unknown so Most times it is in your best interest to improve yourself Nobody wants to be with a person who doesn’t see them self better in the future and actually works towards it. Does that make sense?
Thursday, December 27, 2007 at 7:40 am
[...] kids. Comeback Girl ain’t throwin no pity parties. This only underscores the post: Hello Negro, Would You Date Yourself ?Day 1-5 of the Black Man Plan will be doing just [...]
Sunday, January 6, 2008 at 7:27 am
thecomebackgirl great blog post keepin it real ma sista. I agree with your comments as well. I feel personally before we spend all your time trying to get a man you have to spend some alone time to find yourself. I know people that feel like they always got to be with someone and then they are still unhappy.
Monday, February 4, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I guess I had to come set the record straight. Yes, brothers have issues, but truth be told, sisters you are the answer to your own question. If you stop and
think it through, you will realize that you generally set yourself up for failure. First and foremost, stop asking/demanding what you can’t even live up to. Most
women “say” they want a “good” man. Yet, your actions
say something else loud and clear. Especially, if you
have that disease of entitlement caused by attractiveness. Stop auctioning yourself out to the highest bidder, and brothers will stop treating you like “lease” vehicles. There are men out there that will and can treat you like a queen, but if you turn
your nose up because of some superficial criteria that you have developed, you will miss the blessing of the real black man. All the so-called “ballers” that you are
usually consciously (sometimes subconsciously) attracted to have been trained (by you) to mistreat you(via operant conditioning). Black woman, change your program, for all of our sakes. A man’s test in life is a woman. Stop rigging the test, and more brothers will pass, and maybe, just maybe, we can save the black family.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Wow J thats deep
Tuesday, February 5, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I just believe this is a two-sided issue, but the power of lasting change lies with women. Men aren’t that complicated, so believe me, if the rules of engagement change, men will too. The black woman is the most precious of all God’s creations. I just hope sisters
one day realize that it is the size and shape of their heart and spirit that matters most, not what’s inside their jeans.
Take the “gold-digger” dynamic (excuse for some) away, and brothers will either shine or burn in the light of self accountability and atonement.
The older we get, the more we want what you (women)want, it’s just hard for some (men) to focus on what is real, instead of what they think may feel good in the moment.
Keep up the good work sister! We all need to think, talk, and ultimately change.
Monday, March 10, 2008 at 1:50 am
[...] She is often in desperate need of introspection. She comlains there are no good men, but is usually not ready to handle the type of guys she wants. Its a [...]
Monday, March 10, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Wow! Great question, after reading this post you have made me look at things differently. That is a great question that I want to pose to others I hear complain about dating. This question causes you to reflect on what you are offering to someone else. We tend to have so many demands for others yet we never stop to look in the mirror. We have to ask ourselves ” why do I keep attracting the same type of man”, which could tell you alot about who your are.
The truth is what you said “Ultimately you attract who and what you are ready for”
Would I date myself, probably not right now.
Great Post!!!
Thursday, March 20, 2008 at 11:22 pm
[...] It struck me because it was some of the exact same questions that I asked when I posted: “Hello Negro, Would You Date Yourself”. The woman stated that your business and its success is a direct reflection of what and who you [...]
Wednesday, April 30, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Are Black women interested in lasting relationships? I’m a black women who have found that. The secret is understanding. Not only your mate. But understanding yourself.
Many people spend large amounts of money on attire, flowers, rentals, locations, and alcohol; all in the name of the fairytale wedding. People all want the beautiful wedding photos taken at that beautiful site. We design wonderfully aesthetic rooms or outdoor areas, tables and favors. We invite as many guests as we can get together in one place to be apart of such a life changing experience.
What happens after the wedding day?
How do we make the love last?
Marriage Education is our chance at lasting love.
“Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the other person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love.” – Thich Nhat Hahn
National Marriage Centers would like to assist in making love last.
For more info on African American marriage see NYULYP post on Marriage.
Monday, June 9, 2008 at 4:50 pm
[...] Personal discoveries are fun. For the first time I curled my eye-lashes. FOR ME. I know that’s corny as hell. But I actually got excited about buying the eyelash curler. Little things, personal stupid things that make you feel better, and not inspired by a man is refreshing. I’d like to “repurpose” June as: “Negro, date yourself” month. [...]
Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at 10:00 am
I just would like to say this title really intrigued me. Most of us know what we desire yet, it’s really not what we want. It used to be a time when a brother could date. A real and true date. ie dinner, movies, and perhaps a theater. Today when you do this is like a right of relationship passage.
Is it wrong to be in the moment of self, where you just want to be nice, and have a beautiful evening with another without all of the confusion. I as a brother seem as though I’m being sized up for slaughter. It’s as though David was back in the lions den. The women that I am most attracted to are the ones that seen unatainable for several reasons. They want to get ahead thereby working overtime, extra days, and even make up days. With little or no time for themselves. If you happen to catch them at church the family capitalize on that time. You see them wakeup in the morning drag in with take out in the evening. All I’m trying to say is; When my sisters want to be in a true relationship they have to ask your question.
That’s where brothers like me will be.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 at 12:00 am
[...] person. I have my self-absorbed moments. But even as I constantly think about the inward question, “Hello Negro, Would You Date Yourself?”, I’ve also been asking myself: ”Negro, Would You Marry Yourself?”, [...]