(No, I’m not going to start taking “iphone pics” of my dates, its purposfully fuzzy to protect the innocent black man plan participants.)
During the day, I always have HayHouse Radio streaming in the background. This past hour Dr. Wayne Dyer was on. He takes calls from listeners and when I got back from lunch, I sat down to him saying: “You don’t get what you want, You get what you are”.
And when the truth feels right, it just processes through your body differently.
I haven’t been blogging much about my personal life, because I was still rather confused about who I want to be with since ”O”. Certain men have been asking me “what do you want?” And I haven’t been able to answer it. We all want to be happy, we all want someone who we are compatible with, someone who makes our body and heart sing. But I haven’t been able to really articulate what that looks like. What does happiness look like? What does passion look like? Who am I really attracted to?
My old flame called this weekend. I don’t usually take his calls. But this Sat I did, and he gave me the drill. The one I always got with him. “We could be really good together {Comeback Girl} if you (weren’t so disagreeable, weren’t so spoiled, said no all the time…) Its usually a laundry list of all my faults. My question is always, why do you have to call me and tell me this. If I’m all those things…keep it moving.)
I decided to go out with him primarily just to see… maybe I missed something about him that was salvageable. Maybe I could fit a square peg into a round hole. But in late 2005, I was a different woman. My mother had just been diagnosed with a late stage cancer, I was also trying to make my job work-and “A” just came along at the right time. But once my mother was healed, I saw life a little differently-primarily that I didn’t have to be with someone who criticized me ALL THE TIME. I am grateful that he was there (and he was very supportive concerning my mother) and but my blinders came off. “A” was like a retreat, an escape..an oasis. I jumped ship right to “O” and well I did get my karma back for sure, because I don’t think I ended “A” well. At ALL. And I prolonged my situation with “O” to please other people. And myself and wasted SO MUCH time in the process.
So two days ago, I finally realized I’ve never really pictured who I’ve wanted outside of nice, ambitious, and commitment minded. So when I got into these relationships well what all my boyfriends tried to change, I was also trying to change about them too. “A” was never quite mentally organized, he often was impractical and judgemental. But damn if he ain’t cute as hell!!!!
Everything I didn’t like about “A”, I am finding I didn’t (and don’t ((because its a process)) like about myself. I do have this crush now on “Yoga Guy” (more on him later). But recently I have been getting really heavy into Metaphysics. So much so, I’m still trying to convince myself that I can do some graduate work on fusing eastern and western components of mental health. But the thing about Yoga Guy is that he is a rather “right brain intellectual” and I NEVER noticed the more spiritual component about him, well until I started to really explore it openly with myself.
Yoga Guy seems like he’s on a really good path, the problem is, I don’t think I’m quite ready for him. But we shall see.
6 Comments
Monday, July 14, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Being able to look at ourselves and dig deep beneath the surface can be frightening for most of us, but its something we all should do from time to time. I find myself doing that more so as it gets closer to my birthday and pushes me into a new decade of my life.
Back to the ex…did it seem like he changed or was he constantly trying to criticize you throughout the date to make himself look better?
Monday, July 14, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Shelia it is birthday time lol more on that later!
all these A’S N O’S make my head spin lol. I seem to know what i want but always find my self with the guy thats everything I KNOW i DON’T want.
its odd
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Good sex will cloud our judgement ( you didn’t say it but I get the impression that it is a factor ;))
Make a list of what you want in a man and write everything down no matter how ridiculous. Then break it down into Negotiable and Non-Negotiable categories and decide how the guy fits. I mean we as women put more thought (have a list of characteristics) into buying a pairing a shoes then what we really want in a man.
But at least you recognize Comeback that you have a pattern…..the stories I could tell you about my friends…lordy!!!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008 at 11:37 pm
sorry for typos…no blogging after midnight
Tuesday, July 22, 2008 at 6:05 am
Good sex clouds judgments? I have never stayed with any of the women I met this year who gave me great sex…. but then again “ALL” of them dumped me so I guess that claim is invalid?
Anyways, I feel the you attract who you are stuff is malarkey! I never attract clones of myself, and am usually not attracted to women who are like myself. but then again I dont think a woman with my disposition would still be in the dating pool so perhaps thats why I dont run into any.
I do find it rather funny that old head has the same complaints about you that I do, we must be the same type with only $$ separating us. Alot of us dudes when we get up in these late years almost feel like we would rather have a “project” than to start totally new with another random woman. I know I have a female I didnt exactly work out with the first time around and we are having a decent time now the 2nd. she needed a few more months to sit home alone to be more appreciative of men, I needed to run into a few more bum chicks to realize she wasnt as bad as I made her out to be the first time around.
but in the end, you just have to like the other person… so in order to make a comeback… you have to ask yourself if you really ever wanted to?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hi Comeback,
I am definitely a lurker but thought i would post. I really enjoy your blog and can really relate to where you are coming from. I think that finding out more about ourselves and recognizing our patterns is half the battle. I see you are fighting that battle. keep on keeping on. .
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